Day 76 & 77 - Still isn't easy

I thought this was going to be the easier of the chemos. Hahahaha!

It's Saturday or Day 77 and I am sitting in bed and feeling achy all over. I feel like I have the flu without the nasty symptoms except for extreme body aches. And then this afternoon, what happens??? I'm puking in the toilet again. So much for the nausea and vomiting going away. I am so done with this. Also my taste is gone. Nothing tastes like it should. I don't have the "metallic" taste, it's just nothing has any taste or seasoning. So as for the nausea and vomiting, I am back taking compazine. Hopefully that will keep everything down. I do have to say that the nausea and vomiting is nothing like the previous two rounds. I just wish it hadn't come around at all.

Taxol is taxing on the body. While I don't have the "tingling" feeling, my finger tips are achy. My scalp aches. Basically everything aches. This does not bode well because tomorrow is when my body really aches from the neulasta shot. So I guess we will see.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. I was up and around. I was just tired from the day before that's activities, but I managed through it pretty well. I'm just not looking forward to what tomorrow brings. More nausea? More aches and pains? At least I only have three more rounds of this crap and then I am done, done, DONE!

Day 75 - Round 5: New Chemo drug Taxol

Here I am... drip, drip, drip. I have about less than hour for my Taxol drip. Three hours is really long, but not as long for Brad. Sitting in that hard visitors chair... while I have a comfy cushy one that reclines. However, I would not like to have to sit in this chair at all.

*** *** ***

Updated, I am now home. I got into a nice conversation with the couple sitting next time in my last hour of the the drip, drip, drip. We started talking about laptops. They are in the market for one and asked how much I spent on mine and what I had. They said that someone told them to get a HP. Brad and I kind of laughed at that because Brad's brother and dad had an HP that crapped out on them. I told them that they can get a Dell like mine for 549.99. They were shocked. I told them that I have 4GB of memory and it does all the stuff I like. She does more word processing and I said that it might be best to upgrade to something like Microsoft Office. I don't have it on the computer... I have what's installed. In addition, they want to Skype. I told them that I have a built in camera and it does the trick. I even showed them the pictures that I took with it and they were surprised as to how clear it is. I think I've got them hooked on a Dell. After that we started to talk about Chemo and why were were there. She first had breast cancer about 20 years ago and has recurrences since then. Makes me nervous. But she's a very upbeat woman and she's living with it. She is also dealing with lymphedema. Her whole left arm was swollen. She said back in 1992 she had a mastectomy and they took out 17 lymph nodes! 17! But that was the standard operating procedure back then. So she doesn't have any nodes to push on or get the lymphatic system going. Eva is her name. I think her husband's name is Rick. In any case, I think that with me they are going to take out half a dozen. I think that's better odds if I get lymphodema it won't be as bad as hers. Her cancer I believe has spread to between the two breasts. It was a beautiful conversation. I liked them a lot.

So back to my treatment.

I got there at 8:45a. At 9, I had my blood drawn. Then it was wait until 9:30. I got to go back into a room shortly around 9:30. Wow! On time. I got several texts... but one of them I was desperately waiting for... a text from Shellie, as she was meeting us in the infusion room. I got that text and she went and picked up some food for us... Subway... cuz I was hungry for a meatball sub. Just as I was placing my order, the Nurse Practioner came in, Sandra. We first talked about side effects from the new medication because this is the first time I was taking the taxol. Side effects include muscle and joint pain, kind of like having the flu, my hair may grow back (wowsers, cool. I have heard about this), neuropathy (where I get tingling in my extremities... this can happen at any time, but she says it normally happens with the 4th dose), finger and toe nails will be discolored (that's happening already) and skin as well (happening already). She said that my nausea should go away and I won't have it. Next on my list was post medications... she said that if I do get nausea, I could take any of my anti-nausea meds as needed. So that's all I have to do. She did say that I will be taking the dexamethasone (steroid) the night before I have taxol treatment from here on out. Sweet! Then I would get my neulasta shot 24 hours after my treatment. Okay, this is doable. Sandra said most women ask why they do the AC first... they say the taxol should be first. I laughed and said that is so wrong, it should be exactly the way it is because then one can look forward to having a good back half of chemo. She agreed. I like her.

I got out of that appointment at 10:04. I had to wait about 15 minutes to get into the infusion room. So they were running behind. I got my favorite nurse, Nicole. I like her a lot. My first order... saline drip. Then the next thing I got... 20mg of dexamethasone, 8mg of Zofran and then a 15 minute drip of pepcid. After that I got a 50mg drip of Benadryl. Ugh. Right at the beginning, Shellie came to visit us baring gifts of food (thanks Shellie!). That was awesome since I was soooo hungry. We talked about work, treatment and kids. Shellie said I looked great for just going through AC and chemo in general. Brad got a picture of us (will post later). I also got a picture of me and Jon which is a guy who is awesome and works there too. I told him earlier that I had a surprise for him... which was Shellie. They talked for awhile. It was nice because there were several people who came up to her and remembered. :) Reminder it's been nearly 4 years since she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our visit was short, but well worth it. By the time she left, I was getting dizzy and tired from the Benadryl. So I took a half hour nap while I had to wait for taxol. When I woke up, it was time for taxol. They started the drip... I waited up for about 15 minutes, felt no change and went back to sleep. I was tired from the benadryl. When I woke up, I had about an hour and a half left. I went pee and that's when I got a new chemo neighbor. (see above for that) Chemo was finally done shortly before 3p. I was so happy to get out of there. That was a long day. My neulasta shot is tomorrow at 4p. Sweet night.

Got home and mom had dinner cooking in the crockpot. It is so nice not having to worry about dinner. Chicken and artichokes. It was yummy. After dinner, we all did our job with getting the kids in the bath and ready for bed. Now it's quiet and I am able to update the blog.

Brad is now running out to auto repair shop, because my car was starting to shake and shimmy on the way to our appointment. After a call to Chris, they think it has something to do with fuel in my gas take. This stuff that Brad is getting is supposed to dry up the water in the tank. If it's not that, it could be the fuel injector. We shall see.

Tomorrow, I will be going to work. That's something Eva and I talked about. She said that work helps her move on with her life. I said that is the same thing I feel. I don't sit at home and wallow to the fact I am sick. We also discussed in brief about our mortality. It was nice to talk to another person about breast cancer and other stuff. They were very sensitive and knew exactly what to say.

I'll keep you posted with what sort of side effects I have this weekend. Pray and keep your fingers crossed that I won't have the nasties. Oh yes, I forgot, Sandra said that the benadryl medication... they can decrease that dosage if they find I am not having an allergic reaction. That would be good. Less time in the infusion room!

I'm tired now and want to go to bed. Till tomorrow...

and I'll post pictures when I get them uploaded.

Day 74 - Round 5: Taxol chemo prep...

Nothing much new on day 72 and 73, hence no post.

Definitely at the halfway mark for my chemo treatment. Tonight is the eve of the new stuff. Tomorrow I go in to get my dose of taxol. It should be an interesting day. Tonight I have to take a dose of dexamethasone. My nurse called me to remind me. So I asked her why I needed to take the dex. Angie said that it's a rare occurence of people getting an allergic reaction but along with the dex and a dose of benadryl, it will ward off any allergic reaction. Interesting. Then I asked her what will happen tomorrow. She said that I will get my dose of zofran, dexamethasone, zantac and benadryl. The zofran and the dex are for anti-nausea and the zantac and benadryl are for allergic reaction. I won't get emend for anti-nausea! Hooray, I guess they are fairly confident that I won't be nauseous. So tomorrow I will be tired during treatment. I find that benadryl makes me loopy. This should be an interesting day. She guesstimates that if all goes according to plan I will be in the infusion room for about 3 1/2 hours. That's not too bad. Now I know that there's no guarantees because there are always delays. But hopefully all will go according to plan. I won't be seeing Dr. Luoh tomorrow. Instead I will be seeing Sandra who is Dr. Luoh's counterpart. Along with being one of the first people in the building, maybe there won't be such a delay. One can only hope. Angie said I'll most likely be out of the building at 2:30p! Yay, before rush hour commute.

My friend Shellie also will be stopping by. She wanted to see me and I told her that I will most likely be there all day long. She offered to bring lunch. Nice. Maybe I can con her into getting Subway because I am jonesing for a meatball sub with lettuce, tomato and bell peppers. It will nice to have visitors.

My mom is in town now. Picked her up at the airport last night and she'll be here for the next week. She is here to watch the girls. Becky is on spring break and was planning to be out of town and it was a great excuse for her to come out. So far the girls are loving having her here. :-)

Hats off, literally, to Monty a.k.a. Jen! I got a beautiful hat in the mail from her today. It's gorgeous and it fits perfectly. Thanks for spoiling me. It was funny because I was just thinking that I needed some new hats. And my wish came true.

Day 71 - Think Pink!

Phew! My dawgs are tired. It's been a busy busy busy - did I mention busy - day.

Brad went to work and of course as soon as he left I was up. Since the kids were sleeping I opened up my work laptop and worked a little from home. Got a little caught up. There wasn't much to catch up on... but I figured I would do a little work. Then I even got a shower in before the kids woke up. By the time I was done with my shower, both kids were up.

Next on the agenda - breakfast. I decided I would make pancakes since my mom is coming into town for the week. It would give her and the kids something else to eat while we were at work or not at home. I made Mickey Mouse pancakes! The rest of the flap jacks were normal dollar sized ones. The fresh ones were the MM sized. I've now got a dozen pancakes sitting in the freezer ready to be reheated in the microwave! And no, Brad, you have not become obsolete. Your pancakes are WAY better than mine.

By this time it was around 10a and I had the notion of cooking for more than just us. I threw some chicken in the crockpot and poured some homemade enchilada sauce on it and set it for several hours. Then I called Jack and Nancy to see if they would like to join me and the girls for dinner of chicken enchiladas. They said yes! Following that it was off to the grocery store because I needed to pick up a few things for the enchiladas. But before heading out... it was get the girls ready for the day.

Got back from the store and my friend Christine came over with her two boys, Andrew and Jeremy. Christine, if you remember was the one who cut all my hair off. She came to shave my head. It was so nice to be "pampered". Andrew and Jeremy came and showed off their pink ribbon socks... and Jeremy showed me his awesome pink ribbon Nike high top shoes for basketball. That was sooo ridiculously cool. The boys watched the girls while I got my head done. Elaina wasn't too sure about Christine with the razor. She came over to watch her. Then she wanted up on my lap. She watched Christine like a hawk. It was too cute.

As soon as they left... it was time for lunch. Grilled cheese for Amelia and me... peanut butter sandwich for Elaina. Elaina nearly fell asleep in her high chair. About 45 minutes later I put Amelia down. All through the day I was cleaning the house - dusting here, dusting there and straightening up the bathrooms for mom's upcoming visit as well as doing the laundry and changing our sheets on the bed. Finally Amelia was down and I got to sit down and go through a box of clothes that I got for Amelia. I got a little "online" time before Elaina woke up from her nap.



By now it was 3p and it was time for me to start making the dinner. I shredded the chicken, added the chopped onion, cheese and jalepenos. Then I rolled the enchiladas and set them for later. The next thing I knew it was time for Jack and Nancy to be here! They brought a salad and I added to the enchiladas rice and refried beans. We had the trimmings of guacamole and sour cream. Dinner was so good. It was nice to have company. Jack and Nancy left at 6:30p and then it was time to get the girls ready for bed. Brad got home and then it was putting them to bed. I finally got done and put my feet up on the coffee table at 8:15p.

Did I mention that I did 6 loads of laundry today too? I folded the clothes... even Brad's. So I think I am going to hit the hay now. Today was a great day. Feeling good and full of energy. Now it's another work week. I wonder what Thursday is going to hold for me....

Day 70

I love these weekends when I am not sick. I get so much done.

This morning after breakfast, the family and I went to Costco. Got a few boxes of diapers, some chicken, ground beef without "pink slime" and some other things. After we went to the grocery store because we figured we didn't have enough food afterall. Actually we got some of the items that are not in Costco. Next it was home. We put away all the groceries and put the girls to sleep for their naps. After a little lunch and some TV watching and a bit of cleaning, I fell asleep in the big over sized chair. Ahh, such is life.

We had an early dinner and decided to take the girls out. There was a spring break carnival going on at the local high school. We took them to ride the rides. I can't believe how much it is for rides. One ticket cost $3.50 or if you buy 10, it's $30. I bought 10 tickets. Thank goodness all the rides took just one ticket. Our first ride was the Berry-go-round. Think tea cups at Disneyland but in big strawberries. Elaina loved it... but it took Amelia nearly the whole ride to get into it. Next on the list, the merry-go-round. Elaina and Brad went on that ride together. She had a great time on it. Then Amelia wanted to go in the Fun house. She loved the mirrors on the second floor. Our last ride was the Ferris Wheel. Ewww, I don't like that as I don't like the heights. But again, Elaina loved that one. It was so nice to take advantage of the wonderful weather and the fact that I am feeling well enough to get out of the house and do things.

When I got home, I got the mail. I wish I hadn't. I got two more bills from OHSU. They are totalling close to $1000. However, I did get a refund check in the mail from OHSU anesthesiologst. I overpaid by $45! Nice.

When we got home, I got to put Amelia to bed. Following the story, she asked me if I was feeling better. I told her that I am feeling better, but Mommy is still sick. I told her that the medicine I'm getting is making her sickness and disease go away. I said that soon I will be going to the doctor and they will take all the nasty disease away (meaning surgery). She wanted to go and see the disease. I had to laugh. I told her that I wouldn't even be able to see it. Mommy would be asleep when they take all the disease away. I told her she could visit me at the hospital. She seemed satisfied. God bless her! I try to answer her questions in the best and most simple way.

Now I am sitting here watching Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides. Interesting is all I can say so far.

Day 69 - A nice day to play

Friday at last!

Today was a great day. Well, a great day for the sake of feeling good. It was a lame day at work. I have been eating well, been sleeping well and have been overall really good.

I went to work at 4a. Worked hard for my $$. I got out of work at 1.30p and came home. When I got home the kids were asleep so I got some me time to relax and do nothing. Then the kids were up and it was back at it.

The weather was nice. So we took the kids outside to play. We spent about an hour and a half playing with chalk, blowing bubbles, riding in a wagon, riding the trike, pushing the lawn mower around on the driveway and just running around. The girls had a great time. The neighbors were out. Got to talk with our neighbor Linda. I found out that she had breast cancer as well. We discussed that cancer is more prevalent because of environmental reasons. She believes it could be because of processed foods. I don't know. It could be a good hypothesis. It could be that we are getting better at looking for symptoms and signs. There are better tests out there that can predict these things. Who knows.

I was a might tired so I fell asleep on the couch at around 8p.

I hope that I can get more of these days with the new chemo coming. I do know that fatigue is more a side effect. LIke I have told people, I can deal with fatigue better than I can deal with the nausea and vomiting.

Day 68 - Snow!

I woke up to SNOW! It's spring and it's nearly April and it's still snowing. This morning there was almost an inch on the ground. And there were big giant flakes. I'm not complaining. It was nice to see it.

Today was a much better day. I didn't take any medication and I didn't throw up. I also started drinking water again without feeling nauseous. I'm feeling better now. I worked a full day, ate well and don't have any complaints today. After work Brad and I did get our taxes done. We don't have to owe... or what we do owe is far less than what we're getting back. So it was a good day. :)

We went out shopping for Easter stuff for the girls.

Not really much to say. So, I will just conclude today's entry. Until next time!

Day 67

Today was a decent but not so decent day. I went back to work. It was a Wednesday. However I wasn't feeling too good. I didn't feel good when I woke up, but yet I still forced myself to go to work. I got to work and wished I hadn't stepped foot into the joint. It wasn't because of my team. It was because my stomach was just in pieces. I had to go to the bathroom. The first time it was fine. The second time, not really and the third time, definitely not. (I will leave it up to your imagination, however, it was not coming up.) So I popped one of my Immodium AD pills that I carry around with me at all times. There are a few pills I take with me... one is ativan, the other is immodium and the third is zantac. You never know when you might need one or all three! Ha.

After taking my pill, I got some relief. I didn't drink too much water on Wednesday because water was making my stomach ill, so I relied on hot apple cider, sprite and apple juice. I had a great lunch... Don Pedros... a taco salad. It tasted so good going down....

I got home late... around 1:45p. When I got home, I didn't feel too hot. I went to bed to take a nap and actually got about an hour of sleep. When I got up, I still didn't feel too good. It was around 4 that I finally got sick and threw up. I got to see what my lunch looked like about 3 hours later. I felt a little better... but really not that great. All I could do was just stand at the kitchen counter with my head down. I felt sick, but I just didn't understand why. Maybe it was because I was anxious... then I told Brad that I was going to go upstairs and take something. I got up there just in time to throw up again. When I came downstairs, I felt soooo much better. Thank goodness I decided to wait to take compazine. I managed to swallow my pill. Not because of the pill, but because I had nothing in my stomach, I immediately felt better. I started dinner. We had pecan encrusted catfish with sweet potato mashed potatoes. It was one of the meals we received. That was sooo delicious. It was much better than the meatball risotto. I opted not to have any of the pecan butter due to the fact my stomach was still a bit queasy. And I didn't make the steamed broccoli because of my stomach. But what I did have was so good. It's my favorite so far. I think this weekend we'll have the beef stroganoff. I like stroganoff.

I went to bed on time. But before I did, I took a half an ativan just to make sure I wouldn't feel ill.

Day 66

Today wasn't so bad. It wasn't great but it was decent. I stayed home today from work. I worked from home and also "played" from home. I don't mean that I played hookey, but I just spent some time on facebook and searching for dumb things online. I did have a good lunch. I had chicken lo mein. It was good. I didn't finish all of the great meal, so there's still some sitting in the refrigerator waiting for the next time I feel like eating. I did manage to keep my food down for most of the day. But towards the afternoon I started feeling sick again. I managed to keep everything down until after Brad got home. I took an ativan to help with the nausea. I don't know if the nausea is real or self inflicted. I don't know if I am just getting anxious because I know the next round of chemo is just a week away. I mean, the next round should be the easier of the three types of chemo. I guess it's just the unknown. I hate it. I really do. I hate the fact that I have to live day to day in fear of getting sick or not knowing if I will be able to keep something down. I hate the fact that my daughter asks me if I am feeling better or if I am feeling sick. I hate the feeling of being out of control. I am not beating myself up about this issue... it's just something that I am feeling right now. I just don't like being sick. It sucks. I don't like feeling like I'm going to have to run to the bathroom. It's really crazy because I find that water makes me sick and I am supposed to hydrate myself. So I am trying to keep hydrated by drinking juice and soda.

So I was looking at my breast today just before getting into the shower. I am happy but not happy that it continues to change in shape and form. The happy side... the tumor is definitely getting smaller. The nipple continues to pop out and the skin around the nipple is also getting more pliable. I can tell that the tumor is getting smaller because when I touch the tumor it's smaller. I am happy for this. What I don't really like is that since the tumor is getting smaller, my boob is getting smaller. I know silly thing. But I can't believe how tiny I am now! LOL. Thank goodness I will be getting bigger ones soon! hahahaha!

Another funny thing happened today. I was done with my shower and I was drying myself off... and out of habit I took my towel and was going to dry my hair! Ha! I haven't dried any hair in the past 6 weeks. Why would I do that now?

Tonight it was so sweet. I put Elaina down for bed. She was tired. She stared up at me with those big brown eyes and gave me a big smile. I picked her up and got to rock her to sleep. It is the first time in ages that I have gotten to rock her. She put her head on my shoulder and just layed there. She fell asleep on my shoulder. It felt so nice to have her snuggle with me. It made my day.

My Hair

Did I ever post a picture of me in my wig? If not, I apologize. Here I am. Don't laugh at the picture. It was taken at 3a and with a cell phone. So it was a little tricky for me to position the lens.

Day 65

5DPC was a little better than previous weeks. It started off really ill. I was puking in the middle of the night. But it did seem a little better. I managed to eat quite a bit during the morning hours and held it all down. However, around 2p, it all started to go the wrong direction. Maybe it was because I had too much to eat for lunch. I have no idea. I do know that I was craving wonton soup. Brad was too funny, he said that maybe I'm "coming out of it" because I was craving chinese food. But I wasn't in the mood to venture out. So I had some White Castle cheeseburgers. I think that was my falling. It wasn't long after I ate those that I started to feel a little nauseous. So I took some compazine and benadryl in hopes to keep whatever I had down. It didn't help because I did end up tossing my cookies. I even took some atavan, but that didn't help much either. Finally I decided to make some white rice. That helped my tummy settle. Maybe I am just hungry and that's why I get so sick. I will have to remember to keep something in my belly. I have also found that when I drink water it makes my stomach sour as well. I have stuck to apple juice and Sprite. That seems to help a little too.

As for work, I am working from home. I did so for about 4 hours yesterday. It felt good to get things done. I got lots of work completed that I needed to get completed and I was able to watch over my agents from home. I made sure they were doing their job correctly. Thank heavens for VPN.

Day 64

Still riding the roller coaster. Today I took dexamethasone and a combination of compazine and benadryl. That seemed to keep the vomiting at bay. I only threw up twice! That's good, right? I felt sleepy all day though. I didn't do much at all. I did manage to get a few loads of laundry done. Now I just need to fold the laundry. But that will come later. Just laying low. I did manage to get a little food down. In the morning it was english muffin with peanut butter. For lunch I had chips and for dinner I had one of Elaina's left over chicken strips from lunch.

Day 63 - Neulasta Day

Today all I took was dexomethasone. I didn't take any other pills. I felt fine all day long. I did have one really big bout of fatigue. I cured that with a nap in my car. Then it was time to get my neulasta shot. That's about it. Same old. I did get to bed real early.

Day 62 - Round 4

Got my last infusion of the crappy AC. Yea. Trying something new for the vomiting and nausea. Had my ultrasound today. Good news, confirmed shrinkage of my tumor. Tumor before: 7.6 cm. Tumor now: 3.3 cm. Lymph node in neck before: 2.0 cm. Now: 1.4 cm. Axillary lymph nodes before: couldn't find them, meaning they were clumped together and indistinguishable. Now: can see the lymph nodes and they're looking like nodes again.

There's more to write, but I am beat. Going to bed. Will fill you in on more... just check back later for today's post.

*** Update ***

I promised I'd be back. Sorry it's later than I imagined. I have either been busy or tired.So here goes... Thursday, Brad dropped me off at the Center for Health and Healing. I took the tram up to the top of the hill where my appointment was. I got there and they told me they didn't have and appointment for me. However they did find someone to do my u/s. While I was waiting, there was a girl who helped me from the very beginning getting me my appointments, Amanda. She came out and talked to me. I told her it looked like things were looking up.I got into my u/s. It was the same lady who did my original u/s. I told her that I am doing better now and that the other day when we first met I was a horrible mess. She said that was okay... figuring under the circumstances. She did my u/s and we just talked about nonsense stuff just to pass the time. Then she went and got a doctor to make sure that she got everything. This time Dr. Chan came in. He said that everything was looking good. The longest point of the tumor had shrunk by half, the axillary node under the arm had shrunk. Before, the nodes were all clumped together and they couldn't distinguish a node. Now they could see the traits of the nodes. This is good news. The node in my neck had also gone down from 2cm to 1.4cm. I asked Dr. Chan what the size of node should be. His answer... he doesn't know as everyone's lymph nodes are different sizes. As long as they see the size going down, it's good. He did say that at the next screen they may not see much difference, but with other testing like an MRI and PET, they will see if the area is consuming lots of glucose and metabolizing a lot. That's an indication of cancer in a particular part of a body.Next I met Brad down at the Center for Health and Healing. Took the tram back down. Met him and got my blood drawn. Then after that we went back up the tram to get some lunch. I had a cheeseburger and fries. The burger was HUGE. I could not finish it. Then it was down the tram again for my chemo and meet with Dr. Luoh. With Dr. L, we talked mainly about controlling the nausea and vomiting. We are hoping this round will fair a bit better. :) Then it was time for my treatment.

Day 61 - A break from monotony

Sorry for no post yesterday. It was a busy day. Grammy and Papa are in town and that is consuming a lot of my time. In any case, it started off fine. I went to work and then came home. Since I busted out of work so early, I didn't finish all the stuff I wanted to do, so I worked from home. That was very productive. Then I had the kids by myself for awhile while Grammy went back to the hotel room to get cleaned up for dinner. At 630p Grammy and Papa were back to pick Brad and I up for dinner. We had reservations at the Portland City Grill. It's one of our all time favorites! Grandma Nancy came over to watch the kids. It was nice of her... as Becky is ill. Nancy had to just put the kids to bed and that was it. Simple. :)

So it was nice to get out of the house and have adult conversation with my parents. We talked about all different things, not just about cancer. What did I have for dinner? I had the crab cakes with gnocchi and the potato leek soup. The crab cakes were good... but I liked the other crab cakes they had on the menu. The gnocchi was really weird. They were fried. Hmmm.... My potato soup was delicious though. I did splurge and have an espresso martini - Vanilla Stoli, kahlua, shot of espresso and whipped cream. Mmmm, so good. We got home late... around 1015p. Then I crashed.

I needed to go to bed because I had a big day in front of me... all day appointments at OHSU.

Day 59 & 60

Good day on Monday. Worked, played with the kids and slept.

Good day today. Worked, napped, played with the kids, had a nice time with Grammy and Papa.

Funny... I had a nightmare last night about chemo. I dreamed I missed my chemo appointment. I looked at my watch and it was 7p. I had my appointment at 1p. I didn't even call the doctor to say that I wasn't going to be there. Instead I just plain ol' forgot. And since I forgot, that meant I had to wait another week to get my chemo. It put me a week behind. I was so mad.

Just busy the last few days that I haven't been able to post. But then again there's nothing new to report. Will get interesting on Thursday.

Day 58

Well, I am certainly feeling better than yesterday. I am awake... even with the time change... and doing great. At the moment, both kids are napping! YES! That means I have alone time with me and my thoughts. It's great to not hear anything but the whir of the washer and clickety clank of the clothes spinning around in the dryer. Already am working on the 3rd load of the day!

With both kids sleeping, I got to take a Sunday shower. I find that I still take the same amount of time in the shower, even though I don't have any hair to actually wash. But I use that time to let the warm water spash over my head to warm it up. Amazing how much heat you lose through your head.

Dinner is now cooking in the crockpot. We're having the pulled bbq chicken sandwiches tonight. Grandpa Bill is coming over for dinner. I'm going to make a tossed salad and maybe some fries... or tater tots - whatever is in the freezer at the moment. The house smells so good right now.

Tomorrow Grammy and Papa (Karen and Dad) are coming into town. We'll get to spend the week with them. Dad is working in Portland this week. Karen will get to come and watch the kids during the day. On Wednesday we plan on going to the Portland City Grill. Should be a great night. Then on Thursday, I am taking a FMLA day because I have my u/s up on the hill and chemo treatment on the waterfront. This will be my last treatment of AC. Then two weeks later I start Taxol. I wonder how I will fare with that chemo drug. I am just happy that in another week and two days I will be able to say that I am halfway done with my chemo treatments.

As I have mentioned... I said I wanted to keep the blog real and honest. Not that you're constantly wondering about it... but I wanted to talk about intimacy during treatment. Now you're all aware that treatments bite. They suck the wind out of your sails for the most part of a week and all you an think of is: "how do I get 2-3 liters of fluids in your body when all you do is expell them from your body the way they came in?" But intimacy is not all lost. Forgive me Brad... but yes, we are still intimate. We just have to find creative ways. I am not always in the mood, but I also realize that there are two in this relationship and there's a give and take. So on the days that I am not feeling horrid, we "partner" up. I won't give you the particulars, but we do realize that each of us has needs and wants. It's a very delicate balance. Some cancer patients may not be intimate during this time, and some still are very actively. But it's a choice for each individual and relationship. But all I've got to say is I have a very understanding husband.

*** UPDATE ***

I didn't get too much time with both kids napping. Amelia woke up after about an hour. That's okay. I will take as much time as I can. Now both kids are in bed. I managed to get in 5 loads of laundry, fed the kids and Grandpa, bathed the kids (thanks Grandpa) and did the dishes. I feel accomplished. Now it's time to get some dessert and go to bed. The coffee is all made and the timer is set! Until tomorrow...

Day 57

The second Saturday following a chemo treatment is usually always a good day. Except for this Saturday. It was in no way shape or form related to chemo treatments. I woke up with a little bit of a sore throat and a headache. I felt like I was coming down with something. So after getting the kids up and their breakfast ready and done, I took a midmorning nap. When I woke up, the sore throat was gone, but my headache was still there. No matter how much I drank (water), the headache would not go away and it was one of those that hit the eyes. The whole day I just took naps. In and out of consciousness! LOL. Believe me, Brad was very frustrated. But I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Maybe it was a culmination from the week prior. In anycase, it was awful. But I mustered through it.

We made it to the birthday party. That was nice. It's nice to get out of the house and socialize with other people. People that you don't interact on a day to day basis, i.e. your co-workers. I just felt bad because Elaina spit up some noodle salad on Becky's carpet in the play room. Then she knocked over someone's soda pop in the living room and onto the carpet. Luckily we jumped into quick action and righted the can and sopped up most of the soda. Becky... hope the carpet isn't ruined! :-(

Other than that it was a fairly mundane day. We did manage to get groceries for the week. Now we wait for Grammy and Papa to come on Monday!

Oh yes, my frustrations from the previous post... lack of sleep.

Day 55 & 56

Didn't get a chance to post yesterday. Was way too busy.

Today, I am exhausted and some people don't understand. So I very frustrated. I am feeling better today, but I am still sick. I can't continue to go on limited hours of sleep. Why can't people understand that? How can I be functional when I've only had 5.75 hours of sleep in 40 hours. It's not feasible. Please understand that I need to sit down, rest and sleep. I work a full time job. I come home and immediately have to watch kids, do household chores, etc. Understand that I am human and I cannot be in 20 different places at one time. It's overwhelming right now. I am frustrated. I am tired. Leave me be and you do it.

Put yourself in my shoes. Getting chemo treatments every other week... being pumped full of nasty crap that kills the bad cells as well as kills good cells in your body. Understand that you have to work a full day after getting chemo and then come home and be a parent and a spouse. Understand that the very next day starts your bad days where you don't eat anything and can barely force down water to keep yourself hydrated. Then the next day is even worse. And the day after that it's bad. Then on the sixth day after chemo treatment you're trying to get your strength back from the previous three days. So you're busy trying to gain back the calories and what life you've got, while running after little kids. On the seventh day you're back at work full time... playing catch up with your team. You're constantly getting up out of your seat and walking over to them... answering questions that they know the answer to or should be using their knowledge based tools... but you're nice and helpful to them... when all you want to say is "Use that thing between your ears!" Then after being beat up there you come home to be beat up by two little kids running all over the house wanting you to play with them, but all you want to do is put up your feet, close your eyes and get away from it all. Then it's rinse and repeat. Yes, each day you slowly gain your strength back, but it's still hard to do it all.

Now I understand that I want people to treat me like normal. Many have offered to help. But when I say I need help... why don't people help? It's really frustrating. I may be making it bigger than it really is right now because I am tired... but I promised myself that I would keep this blog real and honest. And honestly, I am feeling pissed off and frustrated. I just don't understand why people can't understand that I cannot be in 22 different places at once. I couldn't do it when I didn't have cancer... why do they expect it now? Grrr frustrated. I guess I just need sleep. Tomorrow I will have a different view and perspective.

As for yesterday... it was work at 3:45-12.30. Then when I got home it was watch the kids... Brad went and played golf since the weather was beautiful. I told him to go... I thought it would be good for him to get out and get a little fresh air... because I know that all work and no fun makes for a grumpy person. Then it was feed the kids and get them to Becky's because Brad and I were meeting Tracey and Eugene for dinner. Dinner was good. I had a delicious meal of cream of mushroom soup and rabbit ravioli. After the great meal (thanks!) of just adults, it was off to get the kids at Becky's. By that time it was 9p. I didn't get to sleep until 9:45p. It was a busy day but so worthwhile for that tasty meal.

Today I was up at 3a and in at work at 3:45. Answered a lot questions asked by agents. Tried to be sweet about it. Pumped myself full of caffeine... coffee and Dr. Pepper. I was looking so forward to coming home and taking a nap. But when I arrived home, Brad had other plans. He found the source of our ant problem in the kitchen. His hypothesis: the ants were coming from behind the kitchen stove. So when the kids were put to bed for a nap at 1ish, Brad and I pulled out the stove. Low and behold we found something splashed on the back wall. We couldn't figure it out... but then Brad said he knew what it was. December 2010 Brad was making hot chocolate on the stove. Something happened... I believe the hot chocolate boiled over the pot. It spilled all over the stove top, behind and under it leaving a brown splash mark down the wall. Ants were crawling all over it. So we sprayed the ants, vacuumed, washed and sprayed again. The stove is now back in place and there are no ants.

Now I've got two kids running all over the place. And it's time to make dinner. What to have??? Take out? I did just get paid! hahahaha!

On the docket this weekend: sleep, a little grocery shopping, a birthday party and some work from home. Not too bad.

Day 54

Not much to report. Went into work today. Worked a full day. Got home, took a nap. Now it's off to bed. Sorry to be so boring. Will catch up later. But nothing happened today... which is a good thing. :)

Day 53

It's the Tuesday after... feeling better. Still not 100%, but I am at least functioning. I like that I can function. I worked from home today... so I feel like I am still part of society. I like working from home... not that I would do it every day, but at least when I show up to work tomorrow I know that I won't be days behind with work. That makes it all worthwhile.

Right now I am feeling a little ill. I think it's because I feel so water logged with drinking so much and also that I had macaroni and cheese. Being lactose intolerant, that wasn't too good... but it was the only thing that sounded decent. This afternoon I was hungry for chicken lo mein, so I ordered the lo mein lunch. For $5.75 I got a nice portion of lo mein, pork fried rice, two fried won tons and a egg roll. It was good. I didn't get the soup because I had take out. If I had eaten in, then I would have had soup with it too. I couldn't believe all the food that came with it. The take out box wouldn't close. I will definitely be going there for lunch again. It took me nearly an hour and a half to eat lunch. Part of it was because it was so much and then the other part was because I hadn't eaten anything in the past three days so I didn't want to over do it so quickly. I did eat most of the lunch. I didn't eat a lot of the rice. I ate all the chicken in the lo mein. It was tasty. :)

Tomorrow I go back to work. Added to the new work week also means the start to my new shift. I open up the building at 4a... so I am going to keep this posting short. Added to the fact I have a new team. So we'll be doing some team building over the next few weeks. My team does know about my cancer, so they weren't shocked when they didn't see me on Monday. Thank goodness I have about half of my old team, so it won't be such a shock.

OMG, tangent... watching House Hunters International and the guy wanted to know what a bidet was for.... um... LOL. He asked if you bathe a baby in it! hahaha!

Well, that's about it. Not much to report. I think I'll take a half of ativan tonight and sleep well.

Day 52 - Monday After

Sitting here on the couch watching endless television. Still feeling really lousy. Feeling better than yesterday, but still waiting to get that good punch of "I feel great." I guess what I am waiting for is my tummy to say "feed me." Right now it's saying I'm hungry, but don't feed me that or that or that. So that means that I have to pick and choose my foods carefully. So far today I have had an english muffin. I had some chicken broth. I also had a little bit of mashed potatoes. I have thrown up. But that was earlier today. I think that I threw up twice. I don't really remember at this point. I did have a white castle burger at around 2a. I woke up hungry. But that came right back up. That wasn't a good move. :( Seemed like it at that time. I know that ginger ale gives me some reflux and my belly doesn't like it. I have managed to drink and keep apple juice down. Currently I am snacking on potato chips. Maybe my belly will like salt. Oh yes, I have eaten jello. It counts as liquid!

My day so far has consisted of working a little from home. I have my laptop from work, and I can monitor my team from my bed. It was nice to do that. I also jumped in the shower and got all nice and clean. It had been awhile. I checked my breast and it looked weird. But a good weird. On my left nipple, the right side of the nipple is finally all out. It's not inverted at all! On the left side, it continues to come out. I know that the skin near the nipple there is not as taut. That means the tumor is shrinking. Next week I will know for sure. That's when I go in for my u/s. I am nervous but excited. I know it can only be good news. I only wish that they would say, Okay, Holly. We don't need to do any more chemo. We'll go straight to the next type of chemo. Yea, right. I want to get this part gone.

Today, all I can say is that I only have hours until tomorrow when I will start feeling more and more like myself. Thank you for all the well wishes!

Day 52 - Dreaded Sunday

So I am attaching on to the last post that I created. I am sitting here in bed. I just took the suppository form of compazine since I can't seem to get anything to stay down. However, I do feel better than what I did yesterday and the Sunday after round 2 chemo. I feel more with it and I don't have the nausea. Funny, huh? What I do have is the urge to puke. But it's not always there... it's there just when I need to. So I took a compazine about 30 minutes ago. It's supposed to work for 12 hours. I like it better because if I have to puke, it's still in my body. Unlike taking the pill form where I could just puke it out and then it would be a moot point. I skipped the dexomethasone and the zofran. I woke up this morning feeling pretty decent. After Brad left for work, I threw up. Then I felt better. After that I had some toast and water. About two hours later, I threw up again. Most of the toast was gone, but there was a little left. Got the kids up and ready. They had their breakfast. Then Grandma Evelyn got here. I threw up again. A little more toast. Shortly after that bout, Nancy stopped by to drop off my prescription which I didn't get a chance to pick up yesterday. Thank you Nancy! And now here I am... up in bed... blogging about how crappy I feel. I am wondering what I can have to eat that won't make me wretch. Crackers? Mac n cheese? White Castle?? It's funny, when I drink water it makes me feel worse. Isn't hydrating myself supposed to make me feel better? Hmmm..

A little shout out to Kate! Thank you so much for my hat! I love the color and it's keeping my head oh so toasty warm!

Oh yes, and another ache to add to my day... my neck and chest hurt from the neulasta shot. Fun times!

*** Update***

Still hanging in there. Still throwing up whatever I put down my mouth. It's funny, it's the water that really makes me feel ill. If I drink a couple of gulps, it comes right up. But I do like feeling like this than to be nauseous all day long. At least I can put away laundry and just sit and watch the girls play. It's still a crappy day.

Right now Grandma and Grandpa have the girls. They are taking them out for some dinner. Where they are going, no one knows. They are gone. I had some jello for dinner and some mashed potatoes. Maybe that will stay down. Who knows. Still feeling like grossness.

Day 51 - Feeling lousy

Day 51 bites. It was a day of not feeling well all around. It was a day of feeling just miserable. My only consolation to it all... the girls were out of the house. Day 51 felt like Day 4 after chemo... my Sunday. I was medicated up, but it seemed as if the medication wasn't doing anything except to make me feel worse. I took my dexomethosone early with food. I took a compazine and zofran as directed by my oncologist. But I still managed to throw up three times in the day and feel really really lousy all day long. So what did I do? I just stayed in bed ate little meals, tried to drink and stay hydrated all day. I finally appeared downstairs for dinner around 7 or so. I made some macaroni and cheese. I won't say it was yummy... but I will say that it stayed down for awhile. I didn't see any come back up in that shape or form. I tried to stay on top of the medication, but it is just not going too well for me. So my thought process is to try and not take too much of the medication. Maybe that's what's making me feel even worse??

Day 50

What a tough day! I was tired all day long... and it was a looong day.

Work at 430a. I sat out in the car before I went in to work dissolving the zofran on my tongue. The zofran tastes nasty. Then I was tired all day long. But I mustered through it all. For my lunch break I sat on the phone with my insurance company. First it was Cigna. I asked them how long of a wait do I need to have before I could have my neulasta shot. They told me it wasn't a medical thing, but a pharmacy thing. So I called Medco. That rep said it wasn't Medco because I was going into a doctor's office to get it injected. So then I had to go call Cigna back. By that time I was really frustrated because in order to talk to someone you have to go through the prompts. It's really frustrating when you can't just talk to someone and have to speak into a phone and the speech analytics aren't picking up your request. So I finally got to someone and I said if you can't help me get me your manager. I finally got my answer... there is no wait time. I made sure that she documented in my account that there is no wait time. The reason, the shot costs $6000!

So all day long I was tired and feeling a little bit nauseous. But nothing came up. I don't know if it's the medication that I am taking. I just don't know. But I am starting the new drug regimine. We will see how Sunday fares.

I had a doctors appointment for Elaina and then I went back into work to move all my stuff to my new desk (shift change) and then headed to the other doctor for my neulasta shot. By the time I got home at 445p, I was exhausted. So I took a nap on the couch. Got up for dinner, got the kids to bed, then fell asleep on the couch again. Now it's Saturday morning... and I am up. :)

Day 49 - Round 3

Day 49 and it's Round 3! Again I am being pumped full of Zantac (IV), fosaprepitant aka EMEND (it's long lasting anti-nausea medication), zofran and dexamethosone. Then it's time for the adriamycin and cytoxan. Yea! Such a good day... not really.

Got here at 11.30 in time to take my blood. This was the first time that they had to poke me in my port. I asked them what it will feel like since the last time they put a needle in me I was sleeping. She said she'd count to three and then poke. It was just like getting poked for a blood draw. No big deal. It did sting a little bit afterwards. But that's just because... it hurt. Then it was a blood draw.

After that we went downstairs to the cafe to meet Jim, one of the guys Brad knows from KATU. Since he was running late, we ordered and he came after to hang out and chat. It is nice to see a nice friendly face here. Then it was back upstairs to the 7th floor and meet with Dr. Luoh. We waited for 45 minutes before they called us back. But it took me going back to the desk to find out what was going on. Later when we finally got back into a room we found out that Dr. L was waiting for us. He said that we weren't out there. I said, nope, we were waiting for 45 minutes. In any case he said that next time he's going to look for us. Good deal. I was getting worried because I need to schedule my neulasta shot the next day... 24 hours. Anyway, we met with Dr. L. And again we are going to tweak our medication regimine. Hooray... so I am going to start zofran tomorrow, followed by Saturday zofran and compazine and then on sunday i will do zofran, compazine (oral or suppository) and atavan. Then I can back down on Monday and on. He wants to start this before it gets bad. I told him that the zofran worked, as I wasn't nauseous, but I still had the vomiting. So we're again tweaking everything. He said it was fine for me to take zantac for the acid reflux as patients do get reflux. Then he asked if I had any questions. I asked how big is a lymph node supposed to be. He said you're not supposed to feel it at all. Hmmm... that's interesting. I told him that I was trying to feel it in the shower the other day. So he said to hop on the table and he can feel around. He said that he couldn't feel the node in the neck. He felt something, but he's not sure what it is... so if it is a node, then it's very small. Then he wanted to feel the node in the armpit. He said he couldn't feel anything there either!!! Then he started to palpatate my breast. He said again it was a lot more pliable. He said that the breasts are now looking symmetrical! Yee haw! I also told him that on the left side, the skin near the areola is looking less taught and not as stretched. He agreed. He said that the mass looks to be about 6-7cm... and that's down from the 9-10 at the beginning. This is all good news. He's very happy with the treatment. I am too. This is all great news. I attribute it to my great attitude and all the prayers being said on my behalf. So thank you all for being such a wonderful group of people praying for my health and the cancer to be gone. So next treatment since I am 3 treatments done, we are going to do another u/s to see if the tumor and the lymph nodes have returned to normal. Hip hip hooray.

Then it was time for treatment... where I am now. The woman, Jennifer, who took my blood pressure and asked how I was and I said doing great. I told her the news and she said that was fantastic. She was nearly jumping for joy. She said time for a beer! Then the nurse found out and she was happy too. Next it was Jon who was excited for me too. So it's good news all around.

Brad is currently getting me an appointment for my neulasta shot tomorrow and he's getting my u/s appointment in two weeks. I am on cloud 9 right now. Cancer GO AWAY!

*****

Okay so now I am home. I am getting tired, so I will keep this short. But I ask you that you take some of the prayers for me and shift them to my brother-in-law. He just found out that his colon cancer is stage 4 and has metastasized to his liver. The tumor is large and inoperable. Please direct some of your prayers to him and his family. It looks like it will be chemo for several months for him. So again, please say a prayer for him.

As for me, doing good.