Day 66

Today wasn't so bad. It wasn't great but it was decent. I stayed home today from work. I worked from home and also "played" from home. I don't mean that I played hookey, but I just spent some time on facebook and searching for dumb things online. I did have a good lunch. I had chicken lo mein. It was good. I didn't finish all of the great meal, so there's still some sitting in the refrigerator waiting for the next time I feel like eating. I did manage to keep my food down for most of the day. But towards the afternoon I started feeling sick again. I managed to keep everything down until after Brad got home. I took an ativan to help with the nausea. I don't know if the nausea is real or self inflicted. I don't know if I am just getting anxious because I know the next round of chemo is just a week away. I mean, the next round should be the easier of the three types of chemo. I guess it's just the unknown. I hate it. I really do. I hate the fact that I have to live day to day in fear of getting sick or not knowing if I will be able to keep something down. I hate the fact that my daughter asks me if I am feeling better or if I am feeling sick. I hate the feeling of being out of control. I am not beating myself up about this issue... it's just something that I am feeling right now. I just don't like being sick. It sucks. I don't like feeling like I'm going to have to run to the bathroom. It's really crazy because I find that water makes me sick and I am supposed to hydrate myself. So I am trying to keep hydrated by drinking juice and soda.

So I was looking at my breast today just before getting into the shower. I am happy but not happy that it continues to change in shape and form. The happy side... the tumor is definitely getting smaller. The nipple continues to pop out and the skin around the nipple is also getting more pliable. I can tell that the tumor is getting smaller because when I touch the tumor it's smaller. I am happy for this. What I don't really like is that since the tumor is getting smaller, my boob is getting smaller. I know silly thing. But I can't believe how tiny I am now! LOL. Thank goodness I will be getting bigger ones soon! hahahaha!

Another funny thing happened today. I was done with my shower and I was drying myself off... and out of habit I took my towel and was going to dry my hair! Ha! I haven't dried any hair in the past 6 weeks. Why would I do that now?

Tonight it was so sweet. I put Elaina down for bed. She was tired. She stared up at me with those big brown eyes and gave me a big smile. I picked her up and got to rock her to sleep. It is the first time in ages that I have gotten to rock her. She put her head on my shoulder and just layed there. She fell asleep on my shoulder. It felt so nice to have her snuggle with me. It made my day.