Day 82 - Chemo-sucky

So I guess you could say that yesterday was a very low low low point in my treatment. I will admit i was in tears. The chemo just got to me. I hate it. I will shout it - I hate chemotherapy. Maybe I should call it chemo-sucky because it is definitely NOT theraputic at all.

After this past weekend, I just don't ever want to go back. I don't like the feeling of taxol. First it made me so nauseous that it sent me to the hospital. Then it gave me so much aches and pain that it felt unbearable. And lastly I couldn't kick the feeling of just general icky-ness. So yesterday I just broke down and said I don't want anymore. I don't want to go through anymore of this chemo-sucky. I wanted to end it at 5 treatments. I figure I will still live. I did my research and some doctors say that after 5 treatments... it only lessens your chance of cancer/recurrence by 2-3%. But today I am feeling better. I am feeling - not a million bucks - but feeling better. Enough to understand that I need to do another treatment of taxol. I will take the treatments one at a time. Yesterday I suffered just from anxiety of knowing I have three more to go. But then I took a half an ativan and I felt so much better. I put it all behind me for the time being. This morning when I woke up I felt good.

So... here are the side effects of taxol that I have experienced. Nausea, vomiting, extreme aches and pains (feels like growing pains which are dull and achy and then toss in excrutiating sharp pains) and tingly feet. Then I get the side effects of the anti-nausea meds... constipation. Ugh! So I figure this is how I am going to tackle the next round of chemo-sucky. Since I didn't start to feel gross until Saturday late morning, when I wake up on Saturday the first thing I will do is pop a zofran in my mouth. That will last for 12 hours or so. Then maybe later in the morning depending on how I feel, I may take a compazine. After that I can pop an ativan. In any case, I am going to medicate the crap out of my body and make sure I don't get sick. I will also sip sip sip water or apple juice, or whatever I feel like drinking. I don't want to get nauseated and vomit. Then I don't want to get dehydrated. Like I posted in another post, it's a vicious cycle and I don't want to get caught up in it. In addition, I will ask Dr. L if I should get hydration on Friday. Maybe get hydration when I get my Neulasta shot. As for the pain... I am going to be popping ibuprofen pills... 600 mg if that's okay with Dr. L. I have a plan. I don't want to go back to what I was feeling before. That just sucked. I guess I let it get too far because I wanted to believe that I was going to be one of those people who wasn't going to get sick from the taxol. Hahahahaha!

As for the tingling... or neuropathy. That is something that I will have to deal with. It is something that is not that bad compared to everything else... but when compiled with all the other side effects... it just sucked. So today the aches and pains are gone and I am just dealing with a little bit of tingling. This I can deal with. Oh yes, here's another thing... I can't concentrate. I feel like a toddler with the attention span of 3 minutes. But that happened on Tuesday and Wednesday. Today I felt like an adult with a longer attention span of 5 (cuz I was at work and my attention is constantly being redirected).

But I am feeling good today. Thanks for your support.