Re-reading

Today I went back and looked at the very first post. Makes my heart ache for that woman. Makes my stomach hurt thinking of what she was going through. But I love the fact that she remained so upbeat and positive.

There were lots of emotions running through at the time. The posting was very clinical, but I needed to get it out. Many people wanted to know what had happened up until then. And that was all that I could muster at the time. I needed to focus on what was to come and make the best of the situation. I didn't want to think of what could happen. It's always in the back of your mind... even today. But that post was very scary. Very scary.

Today... I am happy to report that I am growing ever closer to my cruise. I am happy to be above ground. I am one day closer to getting my final reconstruction surgery (and oophorectomy). I am one step closer to putting all this crap behind me.

I sometimes have to laugh because if I didn't have a pill box I wouldn't remember to take my daily tamoxifen pill. That's how much life has returned to normal. Interesting how life was all about doctors appointments last year. I would mark each day with how much closer I was to another appointment. Now I mark it with holidays and birthdays because that's how Amelia likes to remember how to count down the year.

Really? A letter?

So I've done away with counting the days. I am going to do mile markers... significant days. I guess the next marker will be on the 25th where I learned I wasn't going to die and I was going to beat the cancer.

Funny thing... I got a letter from OHSU earlier this week. It was from the diagnostic imaging services department. Hmmm... so I tore open the letter and it was asking me to schedule my appointment for a mammogram. It had to have been just an auto-generated letter, because they would have found I've had numerous MRIs, PET scans and mammograms in the past year. The funniest part of the letter:

"Be aware that many breast cancers do not produce symptoms."

Why I felt that was funny, I don't know. Maybe it's my sense of humor or maybe the fact that I've gone through cancer. Either way, it was sort of a generic letter and OHSU shouldn't send out letters like this without cross referencing the patient's chart.

Day 366 - ONE YEAR!

One year today I was at the Oregon Zoo with my family enjoying the day. In just a few short hours, my life would forever change with one phone call.

Today marks one year since my breast cancer diagnosis. One of my friends sent me a shirt during treatment that read "I will fight and I will win." Well, at this pivotal mark in my life, I can say that I have won. I have won my short term goal of getting all the cancer out of my body. I have won the right to see and enjoy another day. I continue to fight cancer every day by taking my tamoxifen. Each day, though, I am coming out victorious and I plan to continue on this streak. I am going to be undefeated.

Reflecting over the past year... I've had lots of ups, downs and in betweens. I can't stress enough - if I didn't have the love and support from my friends and family - this victory would not have been easy. The first few days were filled with uncertainty, followed by anger and then with the will to survive. I have learned a lot about myself - my limitations over the year. I have also learned a lot about breast cancer and the treatment itself. All this I believe I have shared with you over the course of the journey.

Following my last radiation treatment - almost four months ago - you may have noticed that my blogging has been sporadic. I have rejoined gotten back in the fast lane of life. I never exited life's freeway, just merely merged over to the slow lane during treatment... only to merge in and out of the slow lane and center lane. But I can now say that I am back in the fast lane moving with time and enjoying life. And that is why I am not blogging as much. I'm enjoying life. Spending time with my family and friends and trying to leave as much of cancer behind me as possible.

Cancer survivors often say that there will be a time when you don't think about cancer. I admit that I do have my days where I don't remember the past year and then there are days where I remember. I stretch a certain way or the kids push on my chest - they are all reminders. I get out of the shower and look at my chest and I don't cringe (never did). I just look and think what beautiful skin I have and that I've finally got the big boobs I always wanted. I look ahead at what is to come instead of dwelling in the past.

Cancer will always be a part of my life. I accept that. But I will not let it rule my life.

And with that... I've got 62 more days until I go on my celebratory cruise. When I return, I'll have my tissue expander and oophorectomy surgery and I will be done.

If you don't mind, will you please respond to my poll to the right of the blog. Some of you have told me I should publish my blog. I want to know if you think I should.

Day 362 - Almost there....

Wow... I can't believe today marks 362 days since my diagnosis. I knew I would get to this date, but it seems to be flying by.

I'll be back in a few days. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't croaked. :)